Mistress Dispeller: A Special Agent Saving Marriages
The Hidden Face of Modern Love in China 👩🏻👴🏼👵🏼
Phrase of the week: 小三劝退师 (xiǎosān quàntuì shī)
Meaning: “mistress dispeller”, a person — often hired by a wife — who specializes in persuading a mistress (小三) to leave a relationship with a married man.
Over the past decade, a unique profession has emerged in China, dedicated to preserving marriages at risk due to infidelity. These professionals, known as "mistress dispellers," are hired to end extramarital affairs by any means necessary.
If you’re a film enthusiast, you might be familiar with the recent Chinese-American documentary Mistress Dispeller (directed by Elisabeth Lo), which premiered at last year’s Venice Biennale. The film tells the story of a Chinese woman who discovers her husband’s infidelity and hires a mistress dispeller to salvage her marriage.
Let’s dive into the story and see how it portrays modern love in China.
香港青年导演罗宝（Elizabeth Lo）历经三年精心打造了电影《以爱之名》（Mistress Dispeller）。这部影片以纪录片的形式，追踪拍摄了一位中国 “小三劝退师” 的工作过程，展现其如何在当事人夫妻和第三者之间斡旋，从而成功挽救婚姻。在过去的十年间，中国新兴起一个行业 ——“小三劝退师”，其职能类似于婚姻咨询师，主要任务是协助客户劝退第三者。
导演 (dǎoyǎn) — director
精心打造 (jīngxīn dǎzào) — meticulously create/make
纪录片 (jìlùpiàn) — documentary
追踪拍摄 (zhuīzōng pāishè) — follow and film
斡旋 (wòxuán) — mediate, intervene
挽救 (wǎnjiù) — save, rescue
新兴 (xīnxīng) — emerging, newly developed
职能 (zhínéng) — function, role
协助 (xiézhù) — assist, help
劝退 (quàntuì) — persuade to leave
第三者 (dìsānzhě) — third party, mistress
Hong Kong young director Elizabeth Lo (罗宝) spent three years meticulously creating the film Mistress Dispeller (《以爱之名》). This documentary-style film follows the work process of a Chinese “mistress dispeller,” showcasing how they mediate between the involved couple and the third party, successfully saving marriages. Over the past decade, this new profession has emerged in China, whose role is similar to that of a marriage counselor, mainly tasked with helping clients persuade the third party to leave.
《以爱之名》聚焦于此行业，片中人物皆为真实个体。罗宝耗时三年，全程跟拍从事该职业的王老师。王老师接到河南洛阳李太太的委托后，开始接触李先生和来自郑州的第三者菲菲，最终促使菲菲同意退出三角关系，并且三人同意影片发布。
聚焦 (jùjiāo) — focus on
片中 (piàn zhōng) — in the film
个体 (gètǐ) — individual
耗时 (hàoshí) — take time, time-consuming
全程跟拍 (quánchéng gēnpāi) — film/follow throughout the entire process
从事 (cóngshì) — engage in, work in (a profession)
委托 (wěituō) — commission, entrust
促使 (cùshǐ) — induce, cause, prompt
三角关系 (sānjiǎo guānxì) — love triangle
“Mistress Dispeller” focuses on this industry, featuring real people. Elizabeth Lo spent three years following and filming Teacher Wang, who works in this profession. After receiving a request from Mrs. Li in Luoyang, Henan, Wang began contacting Mr. Li and Feifei, the third party from Zhengzhou. Eventually, Feifei agreed to leave the love triangle, and all three consented to the film’s release.
罗宝在接受《新明日报》访问时，分享了创作这部电影的初衷。她自幼喜爱爱情故事，成长于香港的她，小时候每次到电影租赁店都会首先寻找爱情片，像《诺丁山》《迷失东京》等影片她反复观看，这些理想化的浪漫爱情故事影响了她对爱情的理解。
初衷 (chūzhōng) — original intention, initial aspiration
自幼 (zìyòu) — since childhood
电影租赁店 (diànyǐng zūlìn diàn) — video rental store
反复 (fǎnfù) — repeatedly, over and over again
理想化 (lǐxiǎng huà) — idealize, idealized
When interviewed by Shin Min Daily, Elizabeth Lo shared the original intention behind creating this film. She has loved love stories since childhood. Growing up in Hong Kong, whenever she went to a video rental store as a child, she would first look for romance films. She repeatedly watched movies like Notting Hill and Lost in Translation. These idealized romantic love stories influenced her understanding of love.
然而，她在家庭中所体验到的爱却与之大相径庭，家庭中的爱往往伴随着牺牲与责任。作为导演，她期望通过镜头呈现这种爱情，并以婚姻危机为切入点，探索华人文化中的情感表达方式。
然而 (rán'ér) — however, nevertheless
大相径庭 (dà xiāng jìng tíng) — vastly different, completely unlike
伴随 (bànsuí) — accompany, be accompanied by
牺牲 (xīshēng) — sacrifice
镜头 (jìngtóu) — camera lens, shot (in film)
呈现 (chéngxiàn) — present, display
切入点 (qiērù diǎn) — entry point, starting point
However, the love she experienced in her family was vastly different; love within the family is often accompanied by sacrifice and responsibility. As a director, she hopes to present this kind of love through the camera lense and use marital crises as a starting point to explore the ways emotions are expressed in Chinese culture.
在拍摄初期，王老师和李太太知晓剧组在记录王老师的工作，并且认为她们的参与能够帮助其他遭遇婚姻问题的夫妻。
然而，为了确保劝退过程的真实性，李先生和菲菲在拍摄初期并不清楚王老师的真实身份，他们只以为这部电影是关于中国现代爱情的。
知晓 (zhīxiǎo) — to know, be aware of
剧组 (jùzǔ) — film crew, production team
遭遇 (zāoyù) — encounter, face (usually negative situations)
确保 (quèbǎo) — ensure, guarantee
真实性 (zhēnshí xìng) — authenticity, truthfulness
At the early stage of filming, Teacher Wang and Mrs. Li were aware that the crew was documenting Teacher Wang’s work and believed that their participation could help other couples facing marital problems.
However, to ensure the authenticity of the persuasion process, Mr. Li and Feifei did not know Teacher Wang’s true identity at the beginning of filming; they only thought the film was about modern love in China.
影片完成后向他们展示时，剧组也做好了准备，如果当事人不同意上映，就将内容改为关注多种爱情产业的艺术片。幸运的是，三人都选择继续参与，但条件是不在中国上映。在拍摄期间，罗宝自己也经历了感情关系的破裂。她虽然在拍摄他人解决感情问题，自己却无法维系爱情。
从某种意义上说，这让她与片中当事人产生了共鸣，也更加感激他们勇敢地公开分享各自的挣扎。
向…展示 (xiàng… zhǎnshì) — show to...
当事人 (dāngshìrén) — parties involved
上映 (shàngyìng) — release (a film)
艺术片 (yìshù piàn) — art film
破裂 (pòlì) — break up, rupture
维系 (wéixì) — maintain, sustain
某种意义上 (mǒu zhǒng yìyì shàng) — in a certain sense
共鸣 (gòngmíng) — resonance, empathy
感激 (gǎnjī) — be grateful, appreciate
挣扎 (zhēngzhá) — struggle
After the film was completed and shown to them, the crew was well prepared: if the parties involved did not agree to release it, the content would be changed to focus on various love industries as an art film. Fortunately, all three chose to continue participating, but with the condition that it would not be screened in China. During the filming period, Elizabeth Lo herself also experienced the breakup of a romantic relationship. Although she was filming others resolving emotional issues, she was unable to maintain her own love.
In a certain sense, this created a resonance between her and the people involved in the film, and she became even more grateful for their brave openness in sharing their individual struggles.
What are your thoughts on mistress dispellers? Can you imagine such a profession existing in your country?
Antoine & Dorota
Referenced author: 博雅文成
Great work